Sunday, December 13, 2009

Worldwide Candle Lighting Tonight...

The Compassionate Friends are having the 13th candle lighting remembrance for lost children (of any age) tonight at 7:00 PM local time:
The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

Believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting, a gift to the bereavement community from The Compassionate Friends, creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.


Here's their website to check and see if there are local services in your area: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/Worldwide_Candle_Lighting.aspx

We're not going to go to the service at Children's Hospital. Our babies were fetuses and while our loss is profound, it's nothing compared to the loss of a child older than a fetus whom the parents have pictures of and are including in a slide memorial. We'll let them mourn for their children and we'll remember ours and re-light the candles we burned in October.

On a brighter note:

The Mister just made omelets for brunch. Yum. He's no cook. If I haven't told you that before...he's NO cook. He can do enough to sustain life and sometimes it's not too gross, like today's "omelets". He cracked 2 eggs in a pan, like fried eggs...let them cook a little and then added the kitchen sink: green olives, onion, sliced tomatoes, left-over cheese (mine was horseradish cheddar) and sliced turkey (I think it was the lunch meat). I'll be damned if it wasn't tasty as hell. He made his with 3 eggs because he realized you, "can't make an omelet with two eggs." To which I explained gently that indeed one can make a two egg omelet...but you must beat the eggs and add some milk or water. The Mister's response, "I don't make my omelets that way." *insert giggle here*

Now that breakfast is over we're heading into the basement to tidy up for company. The DSD and her little girlfriends enjoy trashing the place by putting pillows, blankets, sleeping bags all over. I have no idea what the deal is but it now needs to be picked up. They also play with the twins stroller and car seats with their baby dolls. Yeah...that needs to be put in the storage room too. Yeesh.

Then we're off to Cost.co for items for a pot-luck get-to-gether with The Mister's colleagues on Wednesday. Thank goodness for pot-lucks or else I'd be freaking out right now.

PS-Why have I noticed folks in the bloggedy world posting things like this: Fem.ara Cost.co ??? What's the story with the period use??? They don't want a web search finding their blog? Someone fill me in!

More later. Must go brush the raw onion smell out of my mouth. :-)

Monday, December 7, 2009

You gotta trust hope.

Again my sweet step daughter surprises me.....I like to think that some of these things are signs-good ones.

I was having a hard morning on Saturday and the Mister sent in DSD (dear step-daughter) in to the bathroom to give me a hug...I was blow-drying my hair. Daddy had blow-dried her hair while I was showering and it was still a little damp. We had cold weather on Saturday with a dusting of snow so I asked her if she'd like her hair dried the rest of the way. (PS- The Mister did a great job, used the right hair brush and everything!) Anyway, I had her climb onto the bathroom counter as is our usual habit. I commented on how big she was getting and she just grinned at how she "barely fit" anymore. Too cute. She sat there looking at herself in the mirror, telling me all about the make-up she'd put on (chap-stick and pink eye shadow) and then she saw two little pebbles I keep on my counter. They are two small metalish-looking pebbles that my Mom bought for us at a monastery after our first disappointing blighted ovum. They are message "rocks"- one of which have TRUST and the other HOPE written on them. Those are the two things I have the hardest time with- Trust and Hope. DSD thought they were just too cool and decided "they need to make a sentence." I just kept brushing and blow-drying and out of her mouth popped, "You gotta trust hope. Yeah, that's good...You gotta trust hope." Huh. OK.

You're right, I gotta trust hope.

She was done by that time, hopped off the counter and said, "Bye Ann!" and left me to finish my own hair.

YOU GOTTA TRUST HOPE!

You.gotta.trust.hope.

Shit, you gotta write that down before you forget. And I did. It's on a heart shaped sticky note on my computer screen....with a butt load of other affirmations. One of 'em will work eventually. :-)

Sorry to have been MIA. Lots of wonderful IFs have been having great luck and getting pregnant! Fantastic!!! I've been lurking on their blogs to keep an eye on them and posting my support. I decided to just take a break for a bit on here until we knew what our next steps will be. This blog was never meant to be only about our baby making escapades but it's the focus...the primary one I guess for right now. It's been a hard holiday season so far and I'm sure it's going to get harder. There were so many hopes, dreams and plans made to come visit us while we were pg. Now it's just us, no babies on board. All I've got to show for it is 8 lbs of weight that I CANNOT get off. Damn it.

Wait...where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, a break. So I stopped posting our escapades because I have been in a funk.

Here's what you've missed:

*Went to DC in November for a weekend with the Mister. Ate great Tapas and Pumpkin Ravioli w/Mushroom sauce. Went to the American History Museum and enjoyed being back to "normal" for a few days.

*Went to Seattle to visit my brother, sister-in-law and four year old niece for Thanksgiving. Had a great time but it reminded of how not pregnant I was. I was worried about traveling to Seattle pg with twins and making it before I got placed on bed rest. Meh. No need to have worried about that. Damn it.

*The Mister's karyotyping came back normal....of course.

*The Mister's ex continues to amaze us with the insanity that is her existence.

*I saw New Moon with my neighbor friend and a friend of hers. (Much better than first movie!)

*Got a prescription for Provera and birth control pills. Looks like we may be doing our FET in January. I say "may" because I'm not getting a warm/fuzzy feeling about it yet. I won't even go into the "why" for that one.

*We celebrated the Mister's 40th Birthday with his parents and DSD. When he blew out the candle yesterday afternoon, she asked what he wished for. When she found out it wasn't what she wanted, she asked him to re-light the candle and wish for this, "Daddy, make a wish that I can come and live here with you and Ann when I get a little bit older."

So he did.

Monday, November 9, 2009

From an Unknown Author

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother


There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her
and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill,
take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense: that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife,
a better aunt,
a better daughter,
neighbour, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body,
I have been tried by fire and a hell that many never face,
yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth,
to accept when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in these shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Normal! Normal? Normal.......

So, all my tests came back "normal", very normal to be exact. It's a relief in a very small way to know that I didn't do anything to harm the babies. It doesn't make it better but I feel a little less guilty.

The Mister needs to get his blood test done...maybe tomorrow. There are no labs open on Saturdays 'round these parts so it's a matter of him leaving work early to get it done. Hopefully tomorrow. I expect his genetic tests will be normal as well.

So, we'll never really know what happened to them. Placenta issues. Chromosome issues. We'll consult with the RE on next steps in a few weeks. I'm going to ask about low dose Heparin for next time as extra insurance. Won't hurt to ask. Right?

On a funny note, The Mister and I walked out to the mailbox together tonight. In it he finds a big manila envelop from the IRS. Yikes! He stares at it, says..."Huh...I wonder what it's about." Me? I grab the envelope an open it up as we walk up the sidewalk...lo and behold....

Wait for it.....




Calendars!

Um. What the f*ck? Why did we get IRS calendars????? The Mister looks at me....chagrined and says, "Oh that! I found them on Dealnews!"

Me: "Are you kidding me? Calendars from the IRS?! I don't want calendars from the IRS!"

Him: "Well.... they were free!"

Seriously. He is a such a dork. I open it up and it's got tons of reminders to submit your Employee taxes and crap like that. I am so not using that darn thing. There were 2 in the envelope. Silly Mister.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Just Waiting...

That's what I'm doing. Going forward with the daily grind housework, job, healing and waiting.
We wait to see what the results are from all of the blood work and see what are the next steps until the FET (frozen embryo transfer).

Yesterday I went to the OB/GYN for my post op visit. Nothing exciting. She's not surprised I'm still spotting. She said I bled heavily because I was farther along and there were two of them. She apparently had to work pretty hard to remove all the stuff. Cervix is still open slightly. She took a urine pregnancy test to ensure it's negative or close to it. I didn't have to wait around to hear the result. If I get a call from the office they'll ask me to take a HPT (home pg test) in a few weeks to confirm a negative result. God, I hope I don't have to do that. It's one of the ways they ensure there's nothing left over inside along with no bleeding, fever, chills, etc. Bah. I hate this.

I walked out and cried a little. I should have been 16 weeks along, not going in to check on my D&C. I briefly contemplated getting a new doctor. Not for any other reason than the office reminds me of losses. Then I felt guilty for thinking that and thought to myself that Dr. D deserves to see me succeed. How weird that I want to make her happy too and felt guilty that she has to keep telling me how sorry she is for us. For my own sanity, I'm going talk to the RE and see if he'll will suggest that I go to a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist just to consult at the beginning. There's no real reason to do this except for my own sanity. I don't even know if it's reasonable but.... That's how I feel today, we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Monday, October 26, 2009

It's A Habit

It dawned on me this morning that being pregnant was my new habit. And a great new habit it was!

It helps for me to realize that not only do I miss them, I'm wandering around feeling lost because I'm just not pregnant any more. Such a weird feeling not knowing what to do with yourself. No doctors appointments, no waiting to feel them move, no rubbing of the belly....nothing left but wondering when the spotting will stop. Hopefully it will be done by the time I go to the Dr on Wednesday.

Today I'm doing almost 2 weeks of laundry. I'm not crying when folding the maternity clothes that had the tags removed and were sitting in the dryer since that dreadful day. I'll put them high up on a shelf in our closet for next time.

Because there will be a next time...Maybe one of those little snow babies will become Baby John, the little guy The Mister dreamt about.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

12 Viles of Blood

I should have written down all the blood tests the RE in AZ ordered. Suffice it to say, the blood sucker lady and I had a lot of time to chat as she filled and changed out a total of 12 tubes. Cripes!

Bless her sweet heart, she was the one who wished me really high beta numbers and was so excited to hear that I was "uber pregnant" with twins. I hate, hate, hate having to tell so many people that the babies died.

The Mister will have one blood test (lucky bastard) to check his Karyotyping. All the records and ultra-sound information will be sent to the specialist to review. Bah. Did I say I hate this?

I know all this is necessary and that I requested the tests but it still sucks.

After carrying them for 14 weeks.....I miss them so.

It was a hard day yesterday. I have no idea why. I cleaned off my desk to get rid of all the paperwork from the OB- what you can/can't eat while pg pamphlets, etc. I tidied up to move all the clutter away from where I work....freeing up my space and mind. Cried pretty much all day. Maybe the process of decluttering just opened up the flood gates. Now I need to spend time shredding a pile of documents and bagging them for recycling.

I reviewed my happy-positivity board, re-read all the notes to myself, notes from others and pictures. I also printed out this prayer and taped it to my desk. It's nice and generic, not to "religiousy"- from http://www.praying4ababy.com/. I spend a lot of time sending good vibes to the universe...maybe this will help too.

The Prayer:

Here in this tranquil moment in communion with you dear God, we renew our faith, empty our mind from negativity and free ourselves of all concerns; as we turn our thoughts to your presence we feel safe and calm.

As we pray to be blessed with children: We thank you dear God for all the blessings you have provided us and for the eternal love that comes every day from your presence in our lives.

As we pray to be blessed with children: We embrace your healing light to restore our bodies, mind and soul from all that is keeping us from conceiving children so we can welcome the joy of parenthood into our lives.

As we pray to be blessed with children: We strive to gain strength, patience and the ability to face the difficulties of infertility with high spirits, confidence and serenity knowing that your love and infinite wisdom are guiding our feet to the right path leading us to the children we have been awaiting for so long.

As we pray to be blessed with children: We open ourselves to your love dear God, and we humbly ask you, the creator of life, to grant us the precious gift that we so longingly seek: the ability to bring children to the love of our families, children whom we will raise to know your name and your infinite love.

As we pray to be blessed with children: We ask for the energy and the vitality to take us through the challenges and rewards of pregnancy and to carry our children to term and to be blessed with a safe delivery.

AMEN!

Many, many sincere "Thank You"s to the 22+ people who came to this humble blog to support the Mister and I. I'd never heard of LFCA previously but some sweet soul posted this about our loss and asked for support on our behalf:

http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/

"Ann at Here we are...now what? lost her twins at 11 weeks. They have no idea what happened. She is marvelous and sweet and wonderful. Please give her support, love and perhaps advice going forward."

Love to Everyone.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Hope

How do you find it once you lost it?

The Mister doesn't appear to have lost his but I certainly have misplaced mine.

Is it smart to do this again? What if I'm killing my babies? What will people think? They are spending too much money to have a family of their own. Do the people who think this have kids so it's easy for them to say? Do they know how it feels to have a hole in your heart?

Let's break it down:
  1. Is it smart to do this again? We have two blasts on ice waiting for us and opportunities abroad if necessary. Define "smart".
  2. What if I'm killing my babies? Get tested now for everything under the sun. I will not wait for a third miscarriage as is the typical guidance for attempting to diagnose a problem. Re-check everything. Look at everything. Ask the stupid questions to eliminate this fucking question forever.
  3. What will people think? I can't give this any energy. Unless they've walked in our shoes, they have no business having an opinion one way or another.....must let it go. For anyone who thinks they have an opinion: How much would you have paid for your child? How many times would you have tried until you got them? If it's so easy, pass 'em over here to me...I'll even pay you.

Feeling hopeless sucks donkey balls. I would feel like a fool if I had any hope today. I just got shat upon....why would I have hope? What the hell is the point of hope when it disappears so quickly?

And yet I see glimpses of it, in my periphery; then my gut takes a hit, my heart stops and it's gone.

I gotta find it and hold on to it. I'm looking everywhere. I know it's out there somewhere. Maybe it's hanging out with our future baby....

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Out of the Mouths of Babes

First thing Sydney asked when climbing into the car was "How many days until the babies get here?". I told her that they weren't coming, they passed away, I was sorry and we don't know why it happened. First thing she said was..."awww. You can't do it, can you?"

Fuck me.

I felt like my heart stopped. Maybe I can't do it. Maybe something is wrong with me. And yet, I never miscarry...this old ute holds on to the failing pregnancies no matter what. Doesn't that mean something????

The Mister told her it wasn't me, it was that the babies weren't ready to be born and sometimes that happens.

He later told me not to let it bother me about what she said, "She not a doctor, she's 7."

We went on with our evening, eating dinner at a Cajun place because I needed to eat some shrimp. The Mister's suggestion since it always induces a gastro intestinal disturbance in me and I was constipated from the medicines and surgery. Syd got her hair trimmed, at her request, at a cute place called "Sweet and Sassy". Then we went to see "Where the Wild Things Are".

I cried hard in the movie. It was dark, I was quiet. As good a place as any. Children everywhere...here in the south I'm surrounded by breeders. It was a children's movie what did I expect? It was hard.

On the car ride home I cried some more. Shitballs.

From the back seat Syd put her hands on my shoulders and patted me. This time she said, "You almost did it. You got half way...well almost half way, your belly wasn't so big yet. Next time you can do it and go all the way; like my teachers Miss Haley and Miss Woodward."

Yeah. Maybe next time I can go all the way.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Ironic...

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tonight at 7pm there will be a 'Wave of Light' as families light candles for their babies and place them outside for an hour.

The hospital sent us home with information on grief and loss. This website has helpful hints for parents, grandparents and friends. http://www.nationalshare.org/parents.html

My friend Jenny in Seattle tied two ribbons on a memory wreath in the chapel at the Children's Hospital yesterday while she was there with her son.

We lit candles for the babies during the Greek festival at the Greek Cathedral. Thinking back...it was about the time they died. I remembered that last night while wracking my brain trying to find a "reason" for what has happened....something I did or ate maybe.

I had a dream about 2 weeks ago that I was bleeding and lost the babies. I told the Mister about it right away, I was so disturbed. It took every rational part of me to not call the doctor and make up an excuse to go in. I guess I should have so it wouldn't have gone on this long.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I guess for now, I do nothing and wade through it.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Very Sad News

Dear Friends/Family,
Our twins passed away unexpectedly. I had spotting yesterday and went directly to the OB expecting to see heartbeats and to hear that it was nothing to worry about. Instead I was told that there were no heartbeats with either of them. They measured approx 11 weeks. The last u/s we had where we got to see them dancing about was very close to the day they passed.

The Mister was out of town but immediately returned to my side after driving for 2 1/2 hours. This morning was the D&C. I chose that route rather than miscarrying at home due to the age of the babies and the fact that there were 2 fetuses. It was not something I believed I could do on my own.

This morning my stomach was almost flat- 1/2 of what it used to be. Couldn't believe it. Spotting continued through the night but nothing scary.

Everyone was very kind and supportive today. I got a little happy juice in my IV early to help get me through the wait.

The Mister hasn't left my side. He appears as if by magic when the sadness over-takes me. Dr told him how sorry and shocked she was that this happened. She said it was unlikely to an immune issue with me because the pg had gone so long. And she didn't think it was a chromosome issue for the same reason. That leaves only a bad luck scenario or something specific to the twin's circumstance- cords, placenta, etc. Unfortunately we will never know.

In the coming days I will be posting how we are doing and how I am coping. Just know that this grieving process will take many shapes and may be hard to read. Please do not feel obligated to read or comment. I know this will be hard on you too.

We love and thank you for taking this journey with us. Our hearts are broken but we still have hope that some day we will have a take-home baby. The hope is dim today but I'm sure it will brighten some day soon.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Twin Economics- The Beginning

As we get deeper into this journey the economics of it all is bubbling to the surface. I'm reading a great book called "Juggling Twins". The author is very funny, thank God, because when she gives the good news that disposable diapering will run $1600 minimum the first year....one might unintentionally pee their pants.

While we knew we'd be working on a budget and watching our pennies, the full concept has really hit home. The Mister wanted to stop and look baby furniture a week ago so we went to Baby Depot (not a place I'd frequent too often- a little, well... ucky) where they have good deals. We purused the entire crib, stroller and car seat area to get an idea of what we were looking at, realizing we need TWO of most things. *Swallow*

We committed to ourselves to get what we can used. I have no issues looking for good, used items for the babies. They grow so fast that buying EVERYTHING new is just silly, especially since we won't be having more kids.

So, I scoped out garage sales for this past Saturday. We drug sweet Sydney with us, she rode along in her nightgown, curlers in her hair (party) and only complained about 10 times. Not bad. The first BIG neighborhood garage sale was almost a bust except that as we drove out I spied a double stroller....STOP! He did.

What we found was a black and beige Graco DuoGlider with 2 car seats and 2 bases. It had a price tag of $100. The nicest (and skinniest-which gives me hope) Mom of boy/girl twins came over to tell us all about it. I sent the Mister to go see how much money was in my wallet ($4) to add to his cash ($63). The thing was literally rolled out of the garage, had cookie/cracker crumbs, stains and one missing canopy shade. But, it would clean up and we could order a new canopy. It was well loved but the babies can only ride in the carrier-type car seats for a few months anyway and then we'll put them in bigger new carseats that they'll use until they don't need any seats anymore. After confirming the seats had never been in an accident, She took our $67 happily and bid us farewell and good luck. I've already downloaded the instruction manual. I need to call Graco customer service for the replacement canopy. Looks like it'll be about $19! Yay!

Later Saturday I drug the fam out again (Syd was included because she bailed on her friends party and therefore her consequence was having to go shopping with us) to go to some thrift stores. Found nothing except at the last place. A double jogger stroller. It's in even better shape than the DuoGlider and it was $34.99! It's an InStep 10K. The only thing "wrong" with it was a repair to the rubber on the handle. Who cares! Yay us! When we go camping, hiking/walking or to the park we are set. That's all we'll need in strollers unless they bug each other to the point of having to split them up in separate strollers. Which could happen because I've read and the DuoGlider skinny lady confirmed that she had to stop using the Duo and get a side by side because the twin in the back was kicking the seat of the twin riding in front. That makes me laugh. How funny will that be to start watching them bug each other?! Forgive me, I digress....


So one Saturday yielded: 1 DuoGlider Travel System, 2 carseats (fit the stroller) and 2 bases (for the car); 1 InStep 10K double jogging stroller- Total spent $102. Actual retail for all items, new= $500 approx. Can I get a "Hell Yeah!" everybody?

I tried to find pictures on the web to upload but none worked well. You'll have to Google them yourselves if you want to take a look.

Now to defray the cost of disposables, we're discussing the option of cloth. With all the new fangled covers and inserts I'm seriously confused. The closest store that has them in stock so I can touch and try them out is 80 miles away. I love the g dipes option...not as inexpensive but great for the environment and they have cotton/hemp inserts now as well. The thought of washing dipes is a bit daunting...the cost for sposies for twins is terrifying. OK, that's a little dramatic but it's scary none the less. This will be our next endeavor....diapering butts.

How cute is this?---->

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

12 Weeks!



Friday, September 25, 2009

Weekend Fun....and Food!

Ever since experiencing my first Greek Festival in Phoenix, I've tried to go to attend one every year....no matter where I was living. Guess what's happening this weekend?!!!! *bouncing* I'm so excited! The Mister and I are going tomorrow (or Sunday if it's raining) and I can't wait!!! There's something lacking in Greek festivals in the deep south but you gotta love what you got.
Seriously I am an eating machine....I already looked at the menu and have planned my attack.

Gyro
Greek Salad

Walk around a little, do some shopping, listen to music, wear off round one.... next round:

Baklava
Loukoumathes (this one I have to plan for...the line gets long and they run out. I will keep my eye on that tent!)
Greek Coffee
*drool*

I'm thinking that I'll have to get something to go too. I eat every 2-3 hours like clockwork. I'll probably get hungry on the car ride home. :-)

Did I tell y'all that I'm awake from 2 AM- 5 AM every day? I am. Everyday. It's awful. I've resigned myself to just getting up, peeing and going out to the living so the Mister can sleep. The cats come along, play, doze and we all have a snack. I'm hoping that I'll sleep better soon, after the first trimester. Seems like something I read said that it gets better after then.

Other "exciting" news, at least from my bum's perspective, NO MORE PIO shots!!!! I have two more estrogen shots but they are easy- one tonight and one next Tuesday. I'll supplement progesterone for 5 more days with Crinone gel....in the hoohah. Then at the 12 week point the placenta is fully functional and is making all the estrogen and progesterone the pregnancy needs. My butt cheeks are numb and I have hematomas all over the place.
Wanna see our needle tree?




Isn't this tree so us? Would it have been easier to get another bottle? Yes. As fun? Nope.
I have no clue where to take the needle trees. I guess I'll call the number for EPA on the side of the ridiculously small red Bio hazard container. I'll make sure to disassemble the trees and transfer all the overflowing syringes to another container of course.
Stay tuned for a new belly pic next week at the 12 week point. I'm sure you'll see a difference. Especially after all the Greek food. ;-)
Enjoy your weekends. Peace.



Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Yummmm....Baked Goods

Today the Mister took a PTO day today. His preggo wife can't help do much anymore so he's been quite busy. We did decide to go to our favorite sushi place for lunch (nothing raw for me, I promise). I ate two rolls. Doesn't sound like much but for me that's 12 pieces, which is a lot. Yum. Although the cucumbers didn't sit so well. On the way home I asked the Mister to pull into the bakery, Edgar's Bakery to be exact. I needed baked goods. Don't ask me why. So, I came home with a "Dolly Bar"- graham crust, choc chips, coconut, pecans and condensed milk- and a Red Velvet cupcake. So far, the Dolly Bar is down. I'll probably wait on the cupcake until later. :-) I weighed myself this morning...lost 2 lbs so I figure some calories will do me some good.

For the most part, my morning sickness is down to the cold sloshies (you know that cold, sloshy feeling in an empty stomach?) and mind boggling belches. I rarely gag and haven't thrown up in more than a week. Yippee! *knock wood* We were 11 weeks yesterday!

We're trying to figure out how to coordinate a move right before our due date. Our lease is up in March and the owners want to sell the house so there's no renewal. Shitskies. We'll figure it out. We always do. My kingdom for a good housing market soon so we can sell our rentals and buy our own home here.

Other than that, things are quiet. Quiet is good.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Identical!


Learned today that they're identical. In a nutshell, they know they're identical because they're in the same "main sac". Inside the main sac they are in their own individual sacs. I go back in 4 weeks to double, double confirm that they are in their own sacs; being in the same sac is called Momo twins and it is very dangerous because they can tangle their cords together with grievous results. BUT, she's pretty sure that she saw a separating membrane so we're good.
Heart Rates were 159 and 162! Perfect! They were also wiggling and flipping over...in the pic you can see Baby B flipped over during the scan.
All is well! Thank you!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

10 Weeks


Monday, September 14, 2009

I Love Him!

The Mister , I mean. I was gone all weekend and he sent me sweet texts to let me know he was thinking of me. (Awww...) But the best part isn't that. The best part is that he did laundry and the dishes whilst I was away. God Bless Him!

It was really quite funny because he said he looked around and realized that I must pick up after him all the time. I don't really, I remind him nicely that he needs to pick up his crap.

We have our domestic life pretty well balanced. I usually do the laundry and he puts it away. I usually do the the dishes and he puts them away. This is due to the fact that I think he over loads the washing machine and he doesn't rinse the dishes so they sometimes come out with food baked on. So, rather than be the naggy, bitchy wife we swapped jobs. Does this mean that I find find my underwear in Syd's drawers? Yes. Does it mean that the cutting board ends up in the drawer with the pots and pans? Sometimes. But Who Cares!

I've been so sick lately that I can barely function. He's been so sweet. Eating whatever he can find. Attempting to feed me things he can make. He jumps when I say I HAVE to eat, NOW! He believes me. He's not perfect by any means but neither am I. I am lucky. Really I am.

As for the Peanuts, we have another ultra-sound on Friday! It'll be exciting to see them again. I had a bad bout of morning sickness yesterday. I felt like shit on a shingle most of the day and night. I had a dry heave, drooling, snot dripping session to end all sessions last night. GAross. Today....eh, not as bad.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Shame on Me!

I'm sorry to have been out of touch so long. I've finally turned a corner and am feeling loads better.

I hope everyone had a great Labor Day weekend. While my morning sickness abated I did have a little tummy bug for a few hours; didn't last long thank goodness. We went camping and had a great time. We did end up coming back a day early because of pouring rain. The good thing about that was we were home early enough to join the neighborhood block party.

This weekend I'm in Chicago with my Mom. We originally had tickets with my friend and her Mom to go to Oprah. Oprah called and cancelled on Monday. Rather than take the hit on changing tickets to a later date, we decided to come on anyway. It's Mom's birthday today so we're going to grab some grub and head out. Last night I took her Ba Ba Reeba for Spanish Tapas! It was so yummy and her first time enjoying Tapas. I must say my virgin sangria was delish and Mom's Mango Sangria was delightful as well. Good times.

We're off to Millennium Park today and we're taking the Architectural River Cruise too. I also need to find a place to pick up a cupcake or two. We must celebrate the birthday!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Seriously?

OK, you know it's one thing to get nauseous and barf, it's a whole other thing to dry heave. This is not fun.

I'm not so sick that I want to take medication.... yet. I've maybe lost a pound which is nothing to worry about. I keep food down when I sleep so I make sure to eat yogurt or ice cream before bed so I can take my prenatal vitamin. So, it's OK for now.

The cats join me in the bathroom whilst I gag, wretch and on occasion, hurl. Our sweet Mario sits right next to the toilet bowl and watches. Sometimes he stands on his hind legs with his paws on the edge next to mine. He looks at me, then looks at the water, then back again. He doesn't get it. Maybe he knows it's not fun because once I spit, flush, wash, rinse and brush he rubs up against me and purrs loudly. On the other hand, maybe he's thanking me for the entertainment. During the dry heaves I can tell he gets bored.

It's always fun 'round these parts.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Cheerios....No Go.

For some strange reason, Cheerios do not agree with the tummy. I had the crazy idea that I was over the morning sickness...um...not so much.

This weekend has been quiet. I got my first craving after watching "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle". Problem is there are no White Castle's where we live. The closest thing we've got are Krystal's and it worked! I ate two last night, shared one with the Mister (not his fave) and I have one left for today. After I feel better, I'm having it for lunch.

Yesterday we cashed in our bag of change that we've been saving for the last year. All the change goes in, much to the Mister's chagrin (he doesn't like to pay the 9% fee), into the CoinStar machine and out comes $60! Woohoo! It's like finding money in your pocket while doing the laundry. Nice.

Today it's raining.... again. I feel bad for enjoying such a lovely, rainy day while my family is melting in the Southwest. Time for a little more B6. Ugh.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Pictures!



Sorry it took so long but the scanner was not working. All is well now.
Lindsey is the ultra sound tech.
I don't secretly go by another name. ;-)
B6 is keeping me happy and not barfy!!! Woohoo!




Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Thank Goodness for B6

and Cream of Mushroom soup. I wouldn't have been able to eat without both of those yesterday. The OB said I'd likely have double the morning sickness with twins....she was right. Well, at least I think she is right. I've never had "single" morning sickness so maybe I'm no judge. BUT I feel like.... wait for it..... my favorite word.....

Ass.

Morning sickness wakes me up at night. Not fair. The Mister is having to fend for himself, do laundry, dishes and all the yard work. I, on the other hand, lay like a blob, moan and belch so hard the windows rattle. Gross.

I'm happy to be sick. The doctor is happy I'm sick. I'll just be glad when it's over. Yucka.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Well, There You Go.....Completely Gobsmacked...

It's twins. Two Peanuts with two lovely heartbeats. We are stunned, thrilled and completely startled at the thought. I'll post pics as soon as I can get them scanned.

What an amazing milestone we've passed. Long way to go especially now with the extra things to monitor knowing that there are two. But today we got another miracle... for that we are truly grateful.

Morning sickness hit. I hurled once. So far, not too bad. I mostly gag. I look like a cat trying to cough up a furball. Very attractive. The Mister smiles every time I do it. Apparently it's funny because he'll be talking to me and then "gak" and he just stops and laughs. Then I get a pat and a "my poor baby".

It's been a long, nerve-wracking week while we waited to see what's was happening. I will get some sleep and catch up with everyone this weekend. Our most sincere thanks for the support during these rough spots. We look forward to some smooth sailing now. :-)

XOXO

Sunday, August 16, 2009

He Prayed Today

The Mister is the strong, silent type. Don't get me wrong, he talks....a lot sometimes. He just doesn't get into too much of the mushy, emotional stuff. He's like a lot of men. This morning I got up, walked over and gave him a smooch on my way to the bathroom for toilet paper inspection.

He smiled and said he loved me. Then out of his mouth came a prayer. A short, sweet yet most profound and special one for me. It was simply, "Thank you God for another day with the Peanuts." I was a bit startled to hear him say that. But so very grateful none the less. It reminded me to say thank you to God too.

Later after pulling the never ending weeds and mowing the yards he came into the house, stripped nekkid and headed to the shower. On the way past me, I said, "Thanks for the prayer for the Peanuts today."

Him: "How do you know about that?"
Me: "Um, you said it out loud..."
Him: "I did? Huh."

We left it at that. Enough said.

We are never alone in these or any other experiences. Sometimes for brief moments I think we women forget that. I rely so heavily on him for support that I need to remember to support him too. Give your Misters hugs and kisses today; remember they feel the same things we do.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Hoping it's not....

Last night looked like we were going to miscarry. I had bleeding before bed. I went ahead with the routine, shot and progesterone suppository, figuring I'd be waking up to cramps and a miscarriage. I woke up to go potty and nothing was new at 1:00 AM.

The Mister held me tight while I cried buckets in bed. He says I'm the Mama until something shows him otherwise. He thinks it's a twin letting go but that there's another one hanging in there. I love him. He never gives up.

So today we wait and see....again. I want to be that person who bled but got to take home a healthy baby in the end. I really want to be her. Really I do.

Come on Peanuts...stay strong. We haven't had enough time together.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Another Hurdle Cleared!


Today's hCG level was measured....the office wanted it at 1000 minimum. My number today was 7240! Yay Peanut!!! Grow, grow, GROW!


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

So Hard To Wait

I am not particularly patient; especially when I'm waiting to see a baby's heartbeat. The wait for the pregnancy test is tough but this is tougher...well, maybe not. Maybe it's the same. Aw hell, I don't know. Thirteen days left and then we'll know. One or two Peanuts and good, strong heart beats. Soon we'll know.

In the meantime I spend my time trying to figure out how to keep my mind off things. But not too far off so I am indifferent to the fact that I'm pregnant. I want to bond with the peanut but yet I think that I need to protect myself and not get too attached. Which by the way is friggin' impossible... I'm attached. You love them from the moment you know your pregnant. No way around it.

So here we are, waiting again. My friend said it was rainy at her place so she was staying in her jammies and eating waffles today. I think waffles sound Divine. We'll have them for dinner tomorrow. Step by step, a day at a time, one waffle at a time.....we all trudge forward.

Peace.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

It's True- We're Really Pregnant

It's official. We're pregnant. My hCG level yesterday (15 DPO) was 195. The office called today and was very happy with that number. I get another check next week and we're looking for it to be over 1000 by then.

I'm trying to stay away from spending too much time on the web researching statistics. There's nothing I can do except stay positive at this point. The Mister is good at keeping me focused on growing the peanut and not worrying about a miscarriage.

Our first ultra-sound will be on or around August 24. That's when we'll see a lovely heartbeat! Please....please....please......

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Wow!


It's early days but today is a day for celebration!


Friday, July 31, 2009

Friday- Still a Wee Bit Coo-Coo (Cockoo)

Today started with a crying jag. No real "rational" reason but it happened anyway. The Mister just held on to me and then reminded me that I did the exact same thing the last time. I realized that it did sound familiar.

Huh. Why?

I looked at my old chart and sure enough he's right. I was a blubbering idiot on 10 DPO. Why 10 days? I remember also that another woman in a support blog said that 5-7 days after transfer always seems to be hard.

I think it's because we all Google and Bing for answers. How soon should a pg test register positive? 8, 9, 10 days? Well, then if mine isn't positive it must mean that I'm not pregnant.... In reality, we're all different. All embryos are different and some are just faster hCG producers than others.

Of course I can say this now as I sit calmly waiting for tomorrow to come. Probably I'll wake up at 4:00 AM again, cry and act like the end of the universe is upon me if I don't see two lines. My hope is that two little lines will show up and we'll get to celebrate. Here's to tears of happiness from now on.

Some days I wish I was a blissfully ignorant fertile who had no clue about all these scary details. It's crazy making. However, I need to remember we are who we are today because of these experiences. That's a good thing. A very good thing.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Going Bonkers

The Two Week Wait (2ww) is the hardest part. I am seriously going nuts. I'm 8 days past ovulation (8dpo) and feeling blue. I am so annoyed at myself. I keep having bad dreams about not being pg. I hope all it means is that I'm worried/anxious.

I'm so scared to test and have it be negative. I think it's worse this time because I want to believe the zings/pokes/cramps I had on Monday were an embryo digging in. It was similar to last time when I felt something, but this time it happened earlier. So then I think couldn't have been anything- too early....but I think it was. Stick little one. Stick!

Normal. Normal. Normal. I know it is normal to feel this way. Doesn't help much.

Thanks for all the continued good vibes, prayers and support. I can't tell you how much it means to us.

Monday, July 27, 2009

We're home now! I didn't lift any luggage or anything. I've been very good. The Mister looked like a Sherpa in the airports. He was smiling and promised he didn't mind.

We ended up with 2 frozen embryos- one day 5 expanding grade B and one Day 6 expanded grade A. We're happy to have that many when many women don't get any.

Now we wait. I don't like the wait. I hope that work keeps my mind from wandering too much.

Thanks to everyone for the prayers, positive thoughts and good vibes. Please keep them coming. XOXO

Friday, July 24, 2009

Happy Transfer Day!

We did a the transfer today. We would have waited for a 5DT if there had been 3 Grade A embies but we only had 2. They were super healthy Grade A's going great guns- 8 and 9 cells. There are 9 more (yes 9. I thought we only had 9 left total but he said we had 11 this morning??) that are going to keep on cooking and we'll see if we have any totsicles on Sunday.

We talked a lot with the Dr about transferring 3. He really was open to letting us do it but wanted to make sure we knew it really didn't increase the pregnancy rate just the multiples rate. He also mentioned how good our donor was...she's had a baby and been pregnant other times. I did mention selective reduction and he said that in theory it sounds easy but at 12 weeks, when you see three beating hearts it's not so easy to do. He also said I was really too petite to carry triplets. Anyway, we decided on 2.

So, here I lay with my feet up wishing I would stop peeing. They wanted a full bladder. I had a monster full bladder so they let me empty it a little before the transfer. Then by the time the doc came in it was full again and he said, "What? Did you drink a couple of beers this morning?" hahaha! Then he mentioned it was getting fuller as we sat there waiting for the embies. They brought me a bed pan to use. I didn't think I could but when you have to pee so bad you're getting the chills....you can! I also got a Valium but it only lasted 15 minutes. Stupid pill. They should have given me 2!

The Mister loved getting a congratulatory hand shake for having such a successful fertilization rate. He was so proud of himself. Totally cute and funny.

So now we wait, patiently. I'm starving and ready for lunch. Have a lovely day and thanks so much for the sticky vibes!!! I'm really needing those. *Hugs*

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A Dozen Little Miracles

We had 17 eggs retrieved on Tuesday. Of the 17, 13 were mature. The 13 mature eggs were fertilized via ICSI and 12 fertilized normally!!! ICSI is the injection of one sperm into one egg. Normally it's done when the Daddy has sperm quality issues. However our RE does this on everybody because they pick out the strongest sperm and it increases fertilization results. Yay Spermies!

We have twelve little miracles sitting in petri-dishes getting ready to turn into embryos. I'll keep you all apprised after tomorrow's report from the office.

So exciting! Grow babies, Grow!

17 Eggs! Woohoo!

We got a lovely number of eggs from the donor yesterday! Thank you!!!!! I'll have more info after the fertilization report today. In the meantime, I found this interesting article to share.

Women who give birth to donor egg babies are the biological moms
Freedom Pharmacy published this great booklet about egg donation -- here an excerpt:“Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them. So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body. That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.”

Kimberly Powell also wrote:"While not discounting that genetic tendencies may exist, supporters of the nurture theory believe they ultimately don't matter - that our behavioral aspects originate only from the environmental factors of our upbringing. Studies on infant and child temperament have revealed the most crucial evidence for nurture theories.•American psychologist John Watson, best known for his controversial experiments with a young orphan named Albert, demonstrated that the acquisition of a phobia could be explained by classical conditioning. A strong proponent of environmental learning, he said: Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select...regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations and race of his ancestors.•Harvard psychologist B. F. Skinner's early experiments produced pigeons that could dance, do figure eights, and play tennis. Today known as the father of behavioral science, he eventually went on to prove that human behavior could be conditioned in much the same way as animals.•A study in New Scientist suggests that sense of humor is a learned trait, influenced by family and cultural environment, and not genetically determined.•If environment didn't play a part in determining an individuals traits and behaviors, then identical twins should, theoretically, be exactly the same in all respects, even if reared apart. But a number of studies show that they are never exactly alike, even though they are remarkably similar in most respects.So, was the way we behave ingrained in us before we were born? Or has it developed over time in response to our experiences? Researchers on all sides of the nature vs nurture debate agree that the link between a gene and a behavior is not the same as cause and effect. While a gene may increase the likelihood that you'll behave in a particular way, it does not make people do things. Which means that we still get to choose who we'll be when we grow up. ": )Genes must be ‘expressed’ within an individual in order to have an effect. The same gene or genes can express in a number of different ways depending upon the environment. A gene can remain ’silent’ or unexpressed; it can be expressed strongly; it can be expressed weakly,and so on. There is also an entire field of study called imprinting having to do with which gene you ‘activate,’ the copy you received from your mother, or the copy you received from your father.The field of epigenetics studies these phenomenon, and popular journalism is just starting to write about it. While the Human Genome Project was still underway, we usually heard genes referred to as ‘the Bible’ of the human being, as a kind of absolute truth concerning the fundamental nature of the individual.That is now changing.In a donor egg pregnancy, the pregnant woman’s womb is the environment.It is her genes, not the donor’s, that determine the expression of thedonor-egg baby’s genes.A donor egg baby gets her genes from the donor; she gets the‘instructions’ on the expression of those genes from the woman who carries her to term.This means that a donor egg baby has 3 biological parents: a father, the egg donor, and the woman who carries the pregnancy.The child who is born would have been a physically & no doubt emotionally different person if carried by his genetic mother.In horse breeding for example, it’s not uncommon to implant a pony embryo into the womb of a horse.The foals that result, are different from normal ponies.They’re bigger. These animals’ genotype – their genes – are the same as a pony’s, but their phenotype – what their genes actually look like in the living animal – is different.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

We're Almost There

Tuesday is egg retrieval. I'm so excited and nervous at the same time. My donor is so wonderful for giving us this precious gift. I still can't believe it.

Say prayers for her, for an easy retrieval and no "post-op" pain or side-effects.

Say prayers for the eggies, lots of mature eggies that make good strong embryos.

Say prayers for a happy, cushy endometrium.

Say prayers that one burrows in, sticks around and grows to be our healthy, sweet baby.

Please, please, please, please.......

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Good News Abounds

I love, love, love all the good news that's surrounding me via family, friends and even some strangers.

I follow other people's blogs and have developed a great circle of friends on a forum named "The Drunken Debauchery- Tequila is Better Than Clomid"- DD for short. The girls from the DD are of varying ages, all of whom met on a website named Fertility Friend. Fertility Friend became a drag, we couldn't curse, give out website addresses or exchange any personal information without being scolded or banned for life. So, one of the girls developed our own private forum where we can vent, support each other in the baby making happenings, give advice on what works for raising kids, dealing with husbands, expanding home based businesses and the like.

I've also met wonderful women who are on an IVF journey with or without donor eggs. Many of those women have had great success in their first attempts and some have had terribly sad outcomes after multiple tries. I keep track of many of these women on their own blogs as well as by email or Fertility Friend.

In the past few weeks many people have had wonderful blessings and successes in their lives. No matter how small or big they are, they're all something to be happy about:
  • Dee63- The wonderful woman who donated left over progesterone to my cause and who was looking at this most recent frozen embryo transfer as her last hurrah after 10 miscarriages. Dee got her BFP and last Friday saw a strong beating heart. Congrats! It's been a long hard journey for you.
  • Shawntain and Peanut- Their little Hippo, sweet Baby Heath who's entry into the world was a little rough, had his most recent suck-swallow test yesterday. He passed with flying colors. Now begins the work weaning him off his G-tube for feeding. Yay Heath!
  • Malinda and Andy- In the Czech Republic as we speak and who just had their transfer today. Their embryos were beautiful and they had extras to freeze. You too deserve strong sticky beans after all the heartache you've been through. Sticky vibes, sticky vibes, sticky vibes!
  • Sue- BFP after unsuccessful IVFs. Her frozen embryo appears to have found a nice home and is snuggling in. I hope the coming weeks bring more happiness and a healthy peanut for you too.
  • My brother successfully rode from Seattle to Portland this weekend. An event that had him riding 100 miles per day! Well done Andy. We're all so proud of you.
  • Katie-She has 2 job interviews next week for teaching positions. Good Luck Katie!
  • Tara- Tara is "Paper Pregnant". She and her hubby are all done doing what it is you do to adopt- Paperwork, home studies, letters to birth mothers, videos, etc. Now they wait to be chosen. Congrats! Time will fly by and soon you'll be parents.
  • Everyone is healthy. Everyone is employed. Everyone is safe.

I'm sure I am missing other wonderful things that happened this week but I think I've made my point. Life is good. May we all continue to be blessed.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Big 'Ol Needle in The Butt

Well, the Mister delivered the shot tonight.... it was EASY PEASEY! I even asked if it was in yet and heard, "I'm almost done." Yay!!!


The Mister should have been a doctor! OK...maybe a nurse. But still....he's my hero!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Our Camping Trip- Near Smoky Mountains

We had lots of fun in TN. The Mister had to work....and work...and work before we were to leave. I somehow got it all organized. I typed up a list, revised it, re-worked it until I thought all the items we needed were on there.

Finally my dear hubby got home and after a quick debate about leaving that night or the next morning, we decided to go on the adventure that night. We drove North west and headed to Tennessee. I took my laptop and the aircard so we could have real-time maps available as we went.

We drove in circles a few times but finally stopped and asked some nice young men at a Sonic which direction our campground was. They gave us good directions and we realized we hadn't gone far enough down the highway the first time. Off we go....up a winding 7 mile road. We drive though very quietly...shhhhh. No sites available. None. Uh oh. Now what?

I pull out the trusty laptop ..... no service. No cell phone service, no aircard service. Um. It's midnight. Drive back down the winding road. We made one stop so the Mister could water the flowers and I gave myself my shot. Back in the car we head down...I find a little map once we get one bar of service at the end of the road. We head to the next area that appears to have campgrounds. We pass a sign. It's a campground that is on my map. Up another 7 mile dirt road. We chance it. Up we go. It takes 20-30 minutes and when we arrive, there's lots of sites! Miracle! Woohoo! No flushing toilet but who cares. It's a little smelly but we can deal with it. Then we realize there's no water. YIKES! Well, it's do-able. We can just drive down for water tomorrow. We set up camp super quietly. Just the tent and the blow-up mattress. We gratefully lay down to go to sleep. *sniff* *sniff* What's that smell?! Holy crap we're down-wind from the "bathroom". Yuck. I poke the Mister. "Wha?" I say, "Tomorrow morning, we're looking for another campsite. We might not find one but let's look. Can you SMELL that?" "Shhh. Go to sleep.", was his response.

The next morning we did not hop out of the tent and inhale the lovely mountain air. Instead, we picked up everything but the tent and headed out. We did quickly use the bathroom but we held our breath. Down the winding road again. We find a place to stop for gas. It was the coolest place. An original Texaco from 1936. Family owned business where you can rent rafts, tubes and kayaks to use on the Hiwassee River. The best part? They point us to an outdoor adventure store up the driveway and they have a little cafe! Woot! We put off looking for a campsite and eat breakfast first. We could see the river from the tables outside. We chatted with the locals and other visitors. It was great.

Then we take off again! Down the road 2 miles and we see Quinn Springs Campground. We're in the Cherokee National Forest now. We pull in, it's beautiful! There are flushing toilets and showers! Nice perk. We found 2 empty sites. We leap out, fill out the paperwork/envelope and drop it in the box. Yahoo! We quickly unload the Jeep and set up camp. The only thing left is to go get our tent from the stinky campground.



We set up the tent and revel in the beauty of this campground and site. It was just great. Not too close to other sites, not too far from the bathroom. Perfect. An hour or so later we head to the river.


Of course, once the Mister found out that we could ride the river down he was all about it. This river only had Class II and a tiny bit of Class III rapid. No big deal. We had a lot of fun in our blow up kayak/raft for two. A couple of times we got stuck on the rocks. My wonderful husband would push us off, lift up his butt, wiggle and jiggle until we were off again down the river. It took about 3 hours. It was fun. A couple of times I said, "Do you know what you're doing?" To which I heard from behind me, "Baby. The river is slow, the level isn't very high. We're going to get stuck sometimes. It's no big deal." "Yeah, but stop going over the rocks.", I say. Next thing I hear is laughter. "Um, Honey. The rocks make the rapids. I can't go around them. We have to over them." My response? "Oh." There was also some back and forth banter about his ability to steer the raft. I can't even go into that since it would take up even more space. Suffice it to say, I am not a paddling pro.

We did lunch in the raft. That's how not fast it was. Only a few of the Cheetos got soggy and the chicken salad sandwiches I made were delish.

The rest of the weekend consisted of book reading, a hike to some waterfalls and scouting out other campgrounds for future visits. We realized we literally had the best one in the area. We found a local dive bar named appropriately the "Hillbilly Bar". The locals were quiet when we walked in but after a few minutes and us ordering a Coors Light we all were chatting. We even got invited back for karaoke that night. We didn't go. But, I bet it would have been hilarious.
Wish you all could have been there.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Come On!

I promised to tell you all about our camping adventure. But first.... I have to tell you this funny, ridiculous story.

I had NO idea that the needles for my estrogen shots would be 1 1/2 inches long! That's serious, mother loving LONG. Apparently not so good for shots in thigh muscles either. While everything worked out in the end...the ride afterward was not fun.

I got that big, friggin' needle into my muscle. I felt it go all the way in. Not kidding. I injected the goo and then pulled it out. I did it fast and straight. I felt that damn thing slide all the way out. My first words to the Mister were, "Um...I did not like that. I'm not kidding. I did NOT like that." Then I laid down on the floor.

I proceed to get woozie. I break out in a cold sweat. I decide my stomach is cramping and I better get to the bathroom. I made it to the door and apparently realized I'd better lay down again. I woke up to the Mister saying, "Ann? Are you OK?" Where am I? Black... dark.... can't focus. I must have passed out. He's talking to me, holding my hand and asking inane questions like, "How often do you have to do these shots? Are you going to do this every time you get one?" "Shut up!", I think to myself. I'm try to breathe deep. I begin to come around but the sweat is pouring off me.

And then I realize a cat is standing on me. Jack has climbed on my side and it just standing there. Breathe. Get yourself together Ann. Finally I tell the Mister to "get the f-ing cat off of me!" He did. I'm going through hell, trying not to hurl and the cat decides it'd be fun to climb up on the Mama. Why not? I'm on the floor. How often am I on the floor to climb upon?

Slowly I returned to normal. It felt like an hour. It was probably minutes. We've decided that since we have 1 1/2 inch needles to deal with we will do the shots in my butt. Might as well start now. We have to do Progesterone shots there soon anyway. Same length needle but even thicker gauge. Lovely. Three shots a day for a while. I can do it. I know I can. This baby will be worth it!

The mister isn't concerned about his ability to stick it to me. I, on the other hand, am a little nervous. But it can't get much worse than last night. He's also determined that I lay on the bed. That way I'll be in bed already if I get woozie and black out. *Insert eye roll here*

The side of my head hurts when I push on it. I'm not pushing on it.

This is so typical of me. A physiological reaction to something- fight or flight? Protect yourself from the evil needle?!!!! God only knows.

I'll be thinking of last night the day after transfer. A cat standing on me, laying on the bathroom floor...laughter is good for the embryos.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Whew. That Was Close.

I meant to get on here an update everyone on the fantastic weekend we had camping in Tennessee. Really, I meant to. But....I got side tracked. I was busy fretting over a cyst. Yup. A tiny little thing like that can throw the best of us IVFers off our game. Here's the gist:

Monday was my first ultra-sound and blood work. I went merrily along to my appointment without a care in the world. I listened to good music and paid good attention to my driving because it was pouring rain. Went in to the OB/GYN office, had the u/s and paid the bill. Easy peasey.

Later that afternoon, I noticed that "cyst" was circled on my paperwork. "Hmmm. That can't be good.", I thought to myself. I got on the phone with the IVF coordinator. She said we'd have to wait on the estrogen results from my blood work. If they were low, all would be well and we could continue. If not, we'd have to re-check the levels on Thursday. Potentially, this could cancel/postpone the treatment. !!!!

Holy hell. OK. Maintain. Main.tain.

Cancelling or postponing is not an option. NOT. Donor is not available.

"Um, why would I get a cyst?", I asked. "Well, it could be a cyst from ovulation. Or just because we're messing with your system so much.", she said.


OVULATION?! I ovulated?! That's impossible. Isn't it? That brings up a whole other set of crazy Lupron induced emotions. I let it go.

Needless to say, I didn't get the post made about our camping trip. I was too worried. Too focused on holding the good thought that my E2 levels would be low enough.


I heard from the office about an hour ago. All is well. My estrogen is nice and low. I start estrogen shots tonight!

YAY!!! *Insert Happy Dance Here*

Tomorrow I'll let you in on our fantastic TN mountain adventure.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

19 Days and Counting

We're 19 days away from leaving. These are the most interesting days I think. You stop one batch of whoremoans only to start new ones. This is when your mind starts spinning...the "what ifs" start. What if I forget one of my shots? What if my donor forgets a shot? What if we get no eggs. What if none of them fertilize? What if none of the eggs are mature?
What if we spend all this money in the U.S. and still get no frozen embryos? Those thoughts spin and churn. The Internet is no help; it gives you more things to obsess over. Things are going to happen as they will. I work on letting it go.

The hardest thought for me is "What if it doesn't work?" I choke up and swallow hard just typing it. That thought leads to "When do we throw in the towel? How will we know? What if we don't agree? How far is too far?" I know all these thoughts are normal. They're just worries. The typical worries on this journey, ones that cannot be answered ahead of time. Right now, I remind myself to read the post-it notes I have hanging around the bathroom and my office that read like this:
  • You will get pregnant and stay pregnant!
  • You will deliver a healthy baby!
  • No one can take your happiness away unless you let them.
  • You will have a baby.
  • HOPE, TRUST, FAITH, BELIEVE

I keep repeating those over and over. I read my Nana's Haiku's. I try and leave the worry somewhere else. At the Unity service last Sunday the opening reading gave 15 things to live by. One of them was something to the effect, "If you pray, don't worry. If you're worried, pray." I did that to go to sleep last night.

This is so exciting. It will work. I will get pregnant, stay pregnant and deliver a healthy baby (or two).

I hope everyone enjoys their holiday weekend! Have lots of fun! Eat lots of watermelon and Bing Cherries.

Peace Out.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

We're Off! Say A Prayer

We had a good weekend. Didn't get the closet cleaned out but that's not surprising since it's been on the To-Do list for 2 months. We did see "The Hangover" and liked it a lot.

It's all about fun, laughter and happiness for us right now because we've officially started the next cycle. Yay! *oh my gosh* Woohoo *deep breath* It's going to be good.

I took the Lupron out of the fridge and wondered why it cost so darn much. It's the tiniest little half-full bottle. The good thing with this stuff is that the shots are in the little, itty bity insulin syringes so it's easy.

Well....pretty easy. It's not as though I give myself shots every day. I mean the last one was in March and I only had to do one. Easy peasy. I just sat on the bathroom floor, closed my eyes and "jabbed" my thigh. For some reason that was easier than doing it tonight. Tonight it was an itty bity needle in the muffin top. No big deal, right? Wrong.

I decided to do it while I was watching "Shopaholic". Robb was playing a game on his computer but I saw him keeping an eye on me. I washed my hands, got out all the equipment, read the instructions and swabed the skin with alcohol. I loaded up the syringe...easy peasy. The only thing left is to jab it in.

Ready aim. Nothing. Huh? That's weird. Let's try that again. Ready aim....just do it! It's a teeny weenie needle for God's sake! It's not even going into a muscle. Come on! OK. Let's try it again. Now you have to picture me holding the syringe...moving in and out, closer to my tummy- taking aim...ready, steady, go! So I do that.... one, two, three, stick!

And then I pulled it right back out.

I stuck myself for nothing. I pulled it out! What the hell is wrong with me?! Now I have to do it all over again. Robb at this point looks up and offers to do it for me. Remember, he's been keeping an eye on me. "No. I can do it. I don't know what's wrong with me." Then I roll my eyes and we laugh.

Ready, set, GO! DON'T PULL IT BACK OUT!!!!

Finally. It took 20 minutes but I did it.

I am a fruit loop.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

It's Hot

Happy Saturday! It's so hot and humid here in the south...ugh. So we're working on getting motivated to finish vacay laundry- week old vacation laundry, sort through clothes in the closet, getting them ready for donation and then go to see "The Hangover".

I've also got a nice list for a trip to Wal-Mart. That ought to be fun on a Saturday afternoon. Although I think I've noticed that there are actually check-out clerks on Saturdays at Wal-Mart. So... while it is busy, at least you can pay and get the hell out of there.

Friday, June 26, 2009

How Do You Like The New Background?

I'm starting to get the hang of this blogging stuff.

My new favorite website is "The Cutest Blog on the Block". http://thecutestblogontheblock.com/

So fun!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

How are you?

"Fat and mad." That was my response. I thought Robb was going to fall off the couch. "Well, you asked!", I said. These friggin' hormones (fondly referred to in one of my buddy groups as Whoremoans) are just yucky. Birth control pills must be the leading cause of bar fights, break-ups, divorces and arrests of women. Seriously. I'm not kidding. I'm pissed.....a lot. Often. Damn whoremoans.

Fat? 4 pounds and counting. I'm trying to watch everything that goes into my pie hole- cross my heart. Robb is losing weight and giving it to me. Damn it! I do not want it. I realized while out with our friend Eric the other night that I was just eating away (salad) and should be full. I wasn't it. I laid my fork down and stopped. I think I could have kept on eating forever; ending with Eric's leftovers and Robb's too if I could get my hands on them.

I'm tired too and having a hard time focusing. There's laundry to do. There's work too. My "real" work I mean. I'm using post-it notes and my white board all the time. Which is good/normal but it would be more helpful if I read the notes I'm writing.

I'd think I was nutty as a fruitcake except my donor called and asked if pills were making me nauseous, tired, etc. When I called her back, I said something to the effect of, "Those f-ing pills are evil!"

Maybe it's worse because I'm older and have to use reading glasses. There must be some explanation.

97% of the time the Mister (I saw some other blogger who refers to her husband this way. I like it!) and I are still smiling and laughing. We did a lot of that just last night. He's such a good man. I'm lucky he understands all about the whoremoans. Bless him.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

To Donate or Not to Donate

Donation, Donor, to Donate....the Merriam Webster definition: to make a gift of ; especially : to contribute to a public or charitable cause

We all do it one way or another. I've been thinking about all the ways we give to others. Some donate time, others give money or goods. There are the truly selfless who donate organs to save someone else's life. Friendship is a cherished gift as well; sharing your heart song and opening yourself up. I've been thinking a lot about the kindness of others and the good we can do in this world.

A stranger recently shipped me her left over Progesterone in Oil (PIO). We'd been on the same donor board for a while but didn't really "know" each other. I posted a question about PIO and she sent me a private message offering 3 extra bottles of unused (sealed- I promise, no worries) medication. I offered to pay her and she refused. She said that she had been lucky enough to have insurance coverage for her medication and this was left over. She wanted to help as this was her last IVF cycle. This lovely woman has had 10 miscarriages, 3 failed IVF cycles (with her own eggs), 2 failed donor egg (DE) cycles and was at the end of her journey. There were 2 frozen embryos left. She was cycling for the last time and preparing to transfer the last of their embryos. She wanted to help and was willing to do it in the middle of the fear she had for her own future. I promised to pay it forward and accepted her gracious donation. Last Friday she got her BFP (Big Fat Positive) and her blood results look great so far. I am so happy for her. I don't pretend that sending the 3 little bottles of PIO to me gave her the BFP. But what I do take from this is the continued realization that no matter what we're going through in our lives, it's a good thing to keep working for others and step out of our own fear and worries.

Egg donors give us the gift of life- the start of life. We get to carry a child, growing and nurturing it from the moment of conception in a petri-dish until birth... and beyond. I am truly amazed at the women who are willing to do this. It's not easy. It takes about 3 weeks of time and energy. Frankly, it's a pain in the ass...literally and figuratively. And yet they do it. Many do it more than once. Thank you my donors....from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

During this endeavor I have been in complete awe so many times. Perfect strangers, dear friends and family have been so generous to us in many different ways. There's no real way to ever express how deep our gratitude is but.... THANK YOU! We hope you know how much it means to us. I promise we have and will continue to pay it forward....in all ways.

Our recent donations:

Mel's Belle's- 3 Day Susan G Komen walk-fund raiser. In loving memory of my friend's mother. Spreading the word for her cause.... :-)

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/SanDiegoEvent?px=3006932&pg=personal&fr_id=1298&et=Ovs7LpjJIrP43aQ8OJtUvg..&s_tafId=84960

Silent Unity- They've been there for us, through it all.

http://www.unity.org/prayer/index.html