I should have written down all the blood tests the RE in AZ ordered. Suffice it to say, the blood sucker lady and I had a lot of time to chat as she filled and changed out a total of 12 tubes. Cripes!
Bless her sweet heart, she was the one who wished me really high beta numbers and was so excited to hear that I was "uber pregnant" with twins. I hate, hate, hate having to tell so many people that the babies died.
The Mister will have one blood test (lucky bastard) to check his Karyotyping. All the records and ultra-sound information will be sent to the specialist to review. Bah. Did I say I hate this?
I know all this is necessary and that I requested the tests but it still sucks.
After carrying them for 14 weeks.....I miss them so.
It was a hard day yesterday. I have no idea why. I cleaned off my desk to get rid of all the paperwork from the OB- what you can/can't eat while pg pamphlets, etc. I tidied up to move all the clutter away from where I work....freeing up my space and mind. Cried pretty much all day. Maybe the process of decluttering just opened up the flood gates. Now I need to spend time shredding a pile of documents and bagging them for recycling.
I reviewed my happy-positivity board, re-read all the notes to myself, notes from others and pictures. I also printed out this prayer and taped it to my desk. It's nice and generic, not to "religiousy"- from http://www.praying4ababy.com/. I spend a lot of time sending good vibes to the universe...maybe this will help too.
The Prayer:
Here in this tranquil moment in communion with you dear God, we renew our faith, empty our mind from negativity and free ourselves of all concerns; as we turn our thoughts to your presence we feel safe and calm.
As we pray to be blessed with children: We thank you dear God for all the blessings you have provided us and for the eternal love that comes every day from your presence in our lives.
As we pray to be blessed with children: We embrace your healing light to restore our bodies, mind and soul from all that is keeping us from conceiving children so we can welcome the joy of parenthood into our lives.
As we pray to be blessed with children: We strive to gain strength, patience and the ability to face the difficulties of infertility with high spirits, confidence and serenity knowing that your love and infinite wisdom are guiding our feet to the right path leading us to the children we have been awaiting for so long.
As we pray to be blessed with children: We open ourselves to your love dear God, and we humbly ask you, the creator of life, to grant us the precious gift that we so longingly seek: the ability to bring children to the love of our families, children whom we will raise to know your name and your infinite love.
As we pray to be blessed with children: We ask for the energy and the vitality to take us through the challenges and rewards of pregnancy and to carry our children to term and to be blessed with a safe delivery.
AMEN!
Many, many sincere "Thank You"s to the 22+ people who came to this humble blog to support the Mister and I. I'd never heard of LFCA previously but some sweet soul posted this about our loss and asked for support on our behalf:
http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/
"Ann at Here we are...now what? lost her twins at 11 weeks. They have no idea what happened. She is marvelous and sweet and wonderful. Please give her support, love and perhaps advice going forward."
Love to Everyone.
Too Good To Go Baked Goods
1 month ago
4 comments:
I am so sorry and sad that you are going through any of this. Just reading about your cleaning up and crying in the last post and now having to give over all the blood for more tests makes my heart sink. The prayer you shared was serene and full of grace. I hope they find something in your tests that will help you in future tries and that your prayers come true.
The tough days always seem longer than the not so tough days. I remember that. But then you have a good day here and there and a little reprieve from the grief and it's the memories from those days that get you through the not so great days. I wish I could say something that would help. Just know that I am thinking about you.
12 vials? Holy cow. I hope that with all the tests they're doing they find an answer for you.
I am so Happy to read that your RE ordered that many vials..Good sign he tested for everything!!
I remember those Days Ann~I felt like I could not breathe on a lot of them. I would catch myself crying my eyes out and not know how to stop. It is normal though, we need that grieving time to help us move forward.
Hugs and Kisses to you Both!!
Dee
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