We've been tested medically and all is well. We've had 3 different types of miscarriages- blighted ovum, 1st trimester loss and a chemical pregnancy. When I realized that, the first thing that popped into my mind was..."what's next, a still birth?" It won't happen... but you get the point. It's a lot for us and for friends/family/strangers alike to go through. It's a lot. Some people do it well, others don't.
The last thing we need is "judgemental" support or the worry that we're causing heartache to people we love. We already struggle ourselves, deeply. How much? How far? How many do we lose?
As of today, we're not giving up.
I am not a Mommy yet. We are not parents, together, yet. The Mister is already a Dad but I haven't had the pleasure. Being a step-mom does not count. It doesn't. When I am old and gray, she isn't going to keep me company if I am alone for a holiday. That is the reality, she already has a mom and it's not me. Do not get me wrong. I know I have a special place in her life and heart, especially since her mom is who she is. But how she feels about me at 8 years old as compared to 38 might change.
I deserve to be a Mom and my husband deserves to be a Dad with a sane woman. We both deserve to live happy life with our kids, full of love, joy, happiness and wonderment. Our babies deserve us. They do. We're great. Wherever they are, we're going to try and find them. Somewhere.
I gave up my eggs willingly in order to save my life. But I never gave up motherhood. Never. That was not the deal. No fucking way was that part of the deal. So, we'll continue to heal, keep searching and find them.
This blog in the meantime will continue to be a place of solace and entertainment. It's just not going to be all about babies, it was never meant to be really. It just that the last year...well, you know.
