It's A Habit

It dawned on me this morning that being pregnant was my new habit. And a great new habit it was!

It helps for me to realize that not only do I miss them, I'm wandering around feeling lost because I'm just not pregnant any more. Such a weird feeling not knowing what to do with yourself. No doctors appointments, no waiting to feel them move, no rubbing of the belly....nothing left but wondering when the spotting will stop. Hopefully it will be done by the time I go to the Dr on Wednesday.

Today I'm doing almost 2 weeks of laundry. I'm not crying when folding the maternity clothes that had the tags removed and were sitting in the dryer since that dreadful day. I'll put them high up on a shelf in our closet for next time.

Because there will be a next time...Maybe one of those little snow babies will become Baby John, the little guy The Mister dreamt about.

12 Viles of Blood

I should have written down all the blood tests the RE in AZ ordered. Suffice it to say, the blood sucker lady and I had a lot of time to chat as she filled and changed out a total of 12 tubes. Cripes!

Bless her sweet heart, she was the one who wished me really high beta numbers and was so excited to hear that I was "uber pregnant" with twins. I hate, hate, hate having to tell so many people that the babies died.

The Mister will have one blood test (lucky bastard) to check his Karyotyping. All the records and ultra-sound information will be sent to the specialist to review. Bah. Did I say I hate this?

I know all this is necessary and that I requested the tests but it still sucks.

After carrying them for 14 weeks.....I miss them so.

It was a hard day yesterday. I have no idea why. I cleaned off my desk to get rid of all the paperwork from the OB- what you can/can't eat while pg pamphlets, etc. I tidied up to move all the clutter away from where I work....freeing up my space and mind. Cried pretty much all day. Maybe the process of decluttering just opened up the flood gates. Now I need to spend time shredding a pile of documents and bagging them for recycling.

I reviewed my happy-positivity board, re-read all the notes to myself, notes from others and pictures. I also printed out this prayer and taped it to my desk. It's nice and generic, not to "religiousy"- from http://www.praying4ababy.com/. I spend a lot of time sending good vibes to the universe...maybe this will help too.

The Prayer:

Here in this tranquil moment in communion with you dear God, we renew our faith, empty our mind from negativity and free ourselves of all concerns; as we turn our thoughts to your presence we feel safe and calm.

As we pray to be blessed with children: We thank you dear God for all the blessings you have provided us and for the eternal love that comes every day from your presence in our lives.

As we pray to be blessed with children: We embrace your healing light to restore our bodies, mind and soul from all that is keeping us from conceiving children so we can welcome the joy of parenthood into our lives.

As we pray to be blessed with children: We strive to gain strength, patience and the ability to face the difficulties of infertility with high spirits, confidence and serenity knowing that your love and infinite wisdom are guiding our feet to the right path leading us to the children we have been awaiting for so long.

As we pray to be blessed with children: We open ourselves to your love dear God, and we humbly ask you, the creator of life, to grant us the precious gift that we so longingly seek: the ability to bring children to the love of our families, children whom we will raise to know your name and your infinite love.

As we pray to be blessed with children: We ask for the energy and the vitality to take us through the challenges and rewards of pregnancy and to carry our children to term and to be blessed with a safe delivery.

AMEN!

Many, many sincere "Thank You"s to the 22+ people who came to this humble blog to support the Mister and I. I'd never heard of LFCA previously but some sweet soul posted this about our loss and asked for support on our behalf:

http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/

"Ann at Here we are...now what? lost her twins at 11 weeks. They have no idea what happened. She is marvelous and sweet and wonderful. Please give her support, love and perhaps advice going forward."

Love to Everyone.

Hope

How do you find it once you lost it?

The Mister doesn't appear to have lost his but I certainly have misplaced mine.

Is it smart to do this again? What if I'm killing my babies? What will people think? They are spending too much money to have a family of their own. Do the people who think this have kids so it's easy for them to say? Do they know how it feels to have a hole in your heart?

Let's break it down:

1. Is it smart to do this again? We have two blasts on ice waiting for us and opportunities abroad if necessary. Define "smart".
2. What if I'm killing my babies? Get tested now for everything under the sun. I will not wait for a third miscarriage as is the typical guidance for attempting to diagnose a problem. Re-check everything. Look at everything. Ask the stupid questions to eliminate this fucking question forever.
3. What will people think? I can't give this any energy. Unless they've walked in our shoes, they have no business having an opinion one way or another.....must let it go. For anyone who thinks they have an opinion: How much would you have paid for your child? How many times would you have tried until you got them? If it's so easy, pass 'em over here to me...I'll even pay you.

Feeling hopeless sucks donkey balls. I would feel like a fool if I had any hope today. I just got shat upon....why would I have hope? What the hell is the point of hope when it disappears so quickly?

And yet I see glimpses of it, in my periphery; then my gut takes a hit, my heart stops and it's gone.

I gotta find it and hold on to it. I'm looking everywhere. I know it's out there somewhere. Maybe it's hanging out with our future baby....