Hope

How do you find it once you lost it?

The Mister doesn't appear to have lost his but I certainly have misplaced mine.

Is it smart to do this again? What if I'm killing my babies? What will people think? They are spending too much money to have a family of their own. Do the people who think this have kids so it's easy for them to say? Do they know how it feels to have a hole in your heart?

Let's break it down:

1. Is it smart to do this again? We have two blasts on ice waiting for us and opportunities abroad if necessary. Define "smart".
2. What if I'm killing my babies? Get tested now for everything under the sun. I will not wait for a third miscarriage as is the typical guidance for attempting to diagnose a problem. Re-check everything. Look at everything. Ask the stupid questions to eliminate this fucking question forever.
3. What will people think? I can't give this any energy. Unless they've walked in our shoes, they have no business having an opinion one way or another.....must let it go. For anyone who thinks they have an opinion: How much would you have paid for your child? How many times would you have tried until you got them? If it's so easy, pass 'em over here to me...I'll even pay you.

Feeling hopeless sucks donkey balls. I would feel like a fool if I had any hope today. I just got shat upon....why would I have hope? What the hell is the point of hope when it disappears so quickly?

And yet I see glimpses of it, in my periphery; then my gut takes a hit, my heart stops and it's gone.

I gotta find it and hold on to it. I'm looking everywhere. I know it's out there somewhere. Maybe it's hanging out with our future baby....

Out of the Mouths of Babes

First thing Sydney asked when climbing into the car was "How many days until the babies get here?". I told her that they weren't coming, they passed away, I was sorry and we don't know why it happened. First thing she said was..."awww. You can't do it, can you?"

Fuck me.

I felt like my heart stopped. Maybe I can't do it. Maybe something is wrong with me. And yet, I never miscarry...this old ute holds on to the failing pregnancies no matter what. Doesn't that mean something????

The Mister told her it wasn't me, it was that the babies weren't ready to be born and sometimes that happens.

He later told me not to let it bother me about what she said, "She not a doctor, she's 7."

We went on with our evening, eating dinner at a Cajun place because I needed to eat some shrimp. The Mister's suggestion since it always induces a gastro intestinal disturbance in me and I was constipated from the medicines and surgery. Syd got her hair trimmed, at her request, at a cute place called "Sweet and Sassy". Then we went to see "Where the Wild Things Are".

I cried hard in the movie. It was dark, I was quiet. As good a place as any. Children everywhere...here in the south I'm surrounded by breeders. It was a children's movie what did I expect? It was hard.

On the car ride home I cried some more. Shitballs.

From the back seat Syd put her hands on my shoulders and patted me. This time she said, "You almost did it. You got half way...well almost half way, your belly wasn't so big yet. Next time you can do it and go all the way; like my teachers Miss Haley and Miss Woodward."

Yeah. Maybe next time I can go all the way.

Ironic...

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tonight at 7pm there will be a 'Wave of Light' as families light candles for their babies and place them outside for an hour.

The hospital sent us home with information on grief and loss. This website has helpful hints for parents, grandparents and friends. http://www.nationalshare.org/parents.html

My friend Jenny in Seattle tied two ribbons on a memory wreath in the chapel at the Children's Hospital yesterday while she was there with her son.

We lit candles for the babies during the Greek festival at the Greek Cathedral. Thinking back...it was about the time they died. I remembered that last night while wracking my brain trying to find a "reason" for what has happened....something I did or ate maybe.

I had a dream about 2 weeks ago that I was bleeding and lost the babies. I told the Mister about it right away, I was so disturbed. It took every rational part of me to not call the doctor and make up an excuse to go in. I guess I should have so it wouldn't have gone on this long.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I guess for now, I do nothing and wade through it.