Out of the Mouths of Babes

First thing Sydney asked when climbing into the car was "How many days until the babies get here?". I told her that they weren't coming, they passed away, I was sorry and we don't know why it happened. First thing she said was..."awww. You can't do it, can you?"

Fuck me.

I felt like my heart stopped. Maybe I can't do it. Maybe something is wrong with me. And yet, I never miscarry...this old ute holds on to the failing pregnancies no matter what. Doesn't that mean something????

The Mister told her it wasn't me, it was that the babies weren't ready to be born and sometimes that happens.

He later told me not to let it bother me about what she said, "She not a doctor, she's 7."

We went on with our evening, eating dinner at a Cajun place because I needed to eat some shrimp. The Mister's suggestion since it always induces a gastro intestinal disturbance in me and I was constipated from the medicines and surgery. Syd got her hair trimmed, at her request, at a cute place called "Sweet and Sassy". Then we went to see "Where the Wild Things Are".

I cried hard in the movie. It was dark, I was quiet. As good a place as any. Children everywhere...here in the south I'm surrounded by breeders. It was a children's movie what did I expect? It was hard.

On the car ride home I cried some more. Shitballs.

From the back seat Syd put her hands on my shoulders and patted me. This time she said, "You almost did it. You got half way...well almost half way, your belly wasn't so big yet. Next time you can do it and go all the way; like my teachers Miss Haley and Miss Woodward."

Yeah. Maybe next time I can go all the way.

Ironic...

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tonight at 7pm there will be a 'Wave of Light' as families light candles for their babies and place them outside for an hour.

The hospital sent us home with information on grief and loss. This website has helpful hints for parents, grandparents and friends. http://www.nationalshare.org/parents.html

My friend Jenny in Seattle tied two ribbons on a memory wreath in the chapel at the Children's Hospital yesterday while she was there with her son.

We lit candles for the babies during the Greek festival at the Greek Cathedral. Thinking back...it was about the time they died. I remembered that last night while wracking my brain trying to find a "reason" for what has happened....something I did or ate maybe.

I had a dream about 2 weeks ago that I was bleeding and lost the babies. I told the Mister about it right away, I was so disturbed. It took every rational part of me to not call the doctor and make up an excuse to go in. I guess I should have so it wouldn't have gone on this long.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I guess for now, I do nothing and wade through it.

Very Sad News

Dear Friends/Family,
Our twins passed away unexpectedly. I had spotting yesterday and went directly to the OB expecting to see heartbeats and to hear that it was nothing to worry about. Instead I was told that there were no heartbeats with either of them. They measured approx 11 weeks. The last u/s we had where we got to see them dancing about was very close to the day they passed.

The Mister was out of town but immediately returned to my side after driving for 2 1/2 hours. This morning was the D&C. I chose that route rather than miscarrying at home due to the age of the babies and the fact that there were 2 fetuses. It was not something I believed I could do on my own.

This morning my stomach was almost flat- 1/2 of what it used to be. Couldn't believe it. Spotting continued through the night but nothing scary.

Everyone was very kind and supportive today. I got a little happy juice in my IV early to help get me through the wait.

The Mister hasn't left my side. He appears as if by magic when the sadness over-takes me. Dr told him how sorry and shocked she was that this happened. She said it was unlikely to an immune issue with me because the pg had gone so long. And she didn't think it was a chromosome issue for the same reason. That leaves only a bad luck scenario or something specific to the twin's circumstance- cords, placenta, etc. Unfortunately we will never know.

In the coming days I will be posting how we are doing and how I am coping. Just know that this grieving process will take many shapes and may be hard to read. Please do not feel obligated to read or comment. I know this will be hard on you too.

We love and thank you for taking this journey with us. Our hearts are broken but we still have hope that some day we will have a take-home baby. The hope is dim today but I'm sure it will brighten some day soon.