You gotta trust hope.

Again my sweet step daughter surprises me.....I like to think that some of these things are signs-good ones.

I was having a hard morning on Saturday and the Mister sent in DSD (dear step-daughter) in to the bathroom to give me a hug...I was blow-drying my hair. Daddy had blow-dried her hair while I was showering and it was still a little damp. We had cold weather on Saturday with a dusting of snow so I asked her if she'd like her hair dried the rest of the way. (PS- The Mister did a great job, used the right hair brush and everything!) Anyway, I had her climb onto the bathroom counter as is our usual habit. I commented on how big she was getting and she just grinned at how she "barely fit" anymore. Too cute. She sat there looking at herself in the mirror, telling me all about the make-up she'd put on (chap-stick and pink eye shadow) and then she saw two little pebbles I keep on my counter. They are two small metalish-looking pebbles that my Mom bought for us at a monastery after our first disappointing blighted ovum. They are message "rocks"- one of which have TRUST and the other HOPE written on them. Those are the two things I have the hardest time with- Trust and Hope. DSD thought they were just too cool and decided "they need to make a sentence." I just kept brushing and blow-drying and out of her mouth popped, "You gotta trust hope. Yeah, that's good...You gotta trust hope." Huh. OK.

You're right, I gotta trust hope.

She was done by that time, hopped off the counter and said, "Bye Ann!" and left me to finish my own hair.

YOU GOTTA TRUST HOPE!

You.gotta.trust.hope.

Shit, you gotta write that down before you forget. And I did. It's on a heart shaped sticky note on my computer screen....with a butt load of other affirmations. One of 'em will work eventually. :-)

Sorry to have been MIA. Lots of wonderful IFs have been having great luck and getting pregnant! Fantastic!!! I've been lurking on their blogs to keep an eye on them and posting my support. I decided to just take a break for a bit on here until we knew what our next steps will be. This blog was never meant to be only about our baby making escapades but it's the focus...the primary one I guess for right now. It's been a hard holiday season so far and I'm sure it's going to get harder. There were so many hopes, dreams and plans made to come visit us while we were pg. Now it's just us, no babies on board. All I've got to show for it is 8 lbs of weight that I CANNOT get off. Damn it.

Wait...where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, a break. So I stopped posting our escapades because I have been in a funk.

Here's what you've missed:

*Went to DC in November for a weekend with the Mister. Ate great Tapas and Pumpkin Ravioli w/Mushroom sauce. Went to the American History Museum and enjoyed being back to "normal" for a few days.

*Went to Seattle to visit my brother, sister-in-law and four year old niece for Thanksgiving. Had a great time but it reminded of how not pregnant I was. I was worried about traveling to Seattle pg with twins and making it before I got placed on bed rest. Meh. No need to have worried about that. Damn it.

*The Mister's karyotyping came back normal....of course.

*The Mister's ex continues to amaze us with the insanity that is her existence.

*I saw New Moon with my neighbor friend and a friend of hers. (Much better than first movie!)

*Got a prescription for Provera and birth control pills. Looks like we may be doing our FET in January. I say "may" because I'm not getting a warm/fuzzy feeling about it yet. I won't even go into the "why" for that one.

*We celebrated the Mister's 40th Birthday with his parents and DSD. When he blew out the candle yesterday afternoon, she asked what he wished for. When she found out it wasn't what she wanted, she asked him to re-light the candle and wish for this, "Daddy, make a wish that I can come and live here with you and Ann when I get a little bit older."

So he did.

From an Unknown Author

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother


There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her
and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill,
take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense: that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife,
a better aunt,
a better daughter,
neighbour, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body,
I have been tried by fire and a hell that many never face,
yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth,
to accept when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in these shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Normal! Normal? Normal.......

So, all my tests came back "normal", very normal to be exact. It's a relief in a very small way to know that I didn't do anything to harm the babies. It doesn't make it better but I feel a little less guilty.

The Mister needs to get his blood test done...maybe tomorrow. There are no labs open on Saturdays 'round these parts so it's a matter of him leaving work early to get it done. Hopefully tomorrow. I expect his genetic tests will be normal as well.

So, we'll never really know what happened to them. Placenta issues. Chromosome issues. We'll consult with the RE on next steps in a few weeks. I'm going to ask about low dose Heparin for next time as extra insurance. Won't hurt to ask. Right?

On a funny note, The Mister and I walked out to the mailbox together tonight. In it he finds a big manila envelop from the IRS. Yikes! He stares at it, says..."Huh...I wonder what it's about." Me? I grab the envelope an open it up as we walk up the sidewalk...lo and behold....

Wait for it.....




Calendars!

Um. What the f*ck? Why did we get IRS calendars????? The Mister looks at me....chagrined and says, "Oh that! I found them on Dealnews!"

Me: "Are you kidding me? Calendars from the IRS?! I don't want calendars from the IRS!"

Him: "Well.... they were free!"

Seriously. He is a such a dork. I open it up and it's got tons of reminders to submit your Employee taxes and crap like that. I am so not using that darn thing. There were 2 in the envelope. Silly Mister.